In this episode, Lisa talks about one of her takeaways from an event with Danielle LaPorte, and the resulting conversation around it within the Small Steps Membership. She talks about how creating boundaries around your time, space and energy and then ensuring you stick to them can give you the freedom to become your most awesome self.
You can find out more about the Small Steps Membership here: http://smallstepsliving.com/ssl/
Prefer to read? Here’s the transcript:
Hey guys. Today, a little bit of a rant on the podcast. I don’t do these all that often, but today I’m feeling the need. You see, there was something that I shared in the Small Steps Living membership, and it was my reflections after seeing the amazing Danielle Laporte live, in Brisbane. There were some rocking themes that I took away from that, and I shared those in the membership. And it got a ridiculously amazing response! And while I’m not going to share all of those things today, I will share one topic that seemed to raise its head above all others, and I thought, if this is such an issue for my members, and for women who, you know, are in there, really giving it their best, then this is a universal issue. And I know it is. I know it is, because I know it for myself, and I see it with my friends, and family, and I struggle on a daily basis with this. But it’s something that I’m getting a little bit better at. And that’s creating boundaries.
Now, the responses, when I talked about boundaries, and the way that Danielle talked about them, was that it can feel really safe, once you have created some boundaries for yourself. There’s almost, like, a calm, and a peace, inside the walls that you put up, that are your boundaries. Like, ‘Don’t call me after 8:30pm on a weeknight,’ or, ‘Saturday morning is Mummy’s time.’ And, you know, you carve that out for yourself. It’s a boundary, like, ‘That’s it, that’s my time.’ I do what I want for three hours on a Saturday, or whatever it is. You know, even in terms of, ‘Don’t touch me that way,’ or, ‘Talking to me like that isn’t okay, and I’m telling you that that’s the case.’ So, once you’ve established these boundaries, you feel kind of cool. Like, ‘Okay, I am now able to be my awesome self, because I am not being pulled in all directions all the time.’
But the thing that came out of it was like, ‘How do I even do that?’ And I was like, ‘Wow. We are in big trouble here.’ And, you know me, I’m not some self-help guru, but red flags are going up for me right now when I’m thinking about a generation of women who are unable to carve out a bit of time for themselves. Are unable to say, ‘These are my boundaries and they’re locked in.’ And, you know, conversations coming up around, ‘Wow, I factor every other single person in my family into my week, and yet I don’t factor me in.’ And I wanted to bring this to the podcast, even although it’s a private conversation going on inside my membership, and it’s a much bigger conversation than just this issue of boundaries. There were other things that I shared, that brought up some really big stuff. But all I wanted to do today, in this very short and ranty podcast, is to say, ‘You have the right to create boundaries in your life.’ In order for you to be able to thrive as the most amazing person that you are, it’s okay for you to put some boundaries up, for yourself, so that you can exist inside those boundaries as a peaceful, calm, loving person.
Now, for me, boundaries are hard to come by. This is why it stood out for me at the event, because I feel like I’m on, a lot, and I think social media has a big role to play in that. Whether it be around my work, or whether it just be around friends, you know, messaging at all hours, often still while I’m in bed. What’s with that, Lisa? You know, I can choose to be off social media by 8:00pm, so that time is just my own little sacred time. I can choose not to look at Facebook when I wake up in the morning, or not to check my work emails. I can choose. And imagine the peacefulness that might be created in my life, once I start to establish those boundaries. And with kids, I have been known, as they’re calling out from their bedrooms after they’ve gone to sleep-, I mean, they’re pretty good at going to bed, my kids, but, you know, ‘Mum, I need to tell you something.’ I’ve been known to say, ‘Guys, Mummy’s clocked off. Mummy’s shift is over, so talk to each other.’ And they get it.
My kids are six, four, and two, so, you know, I am moving past the ‘babies on me all the time’ phase. As long as I can just not sniff any babies for the next few years, and get enticed to have another one. I can say, ‘Guys, Mummy’s making dinner now, and I don’t want anyone in the kitchen for the next half an hour. Go play.’ And often, what I do is, I say, ‘Guys, what’s three things that you can do, what’s three things that you could play?’ And they’re like, ‘Oh, we could ride bikes.’ Yep. ‘We could build a castle,’ and I’m like, ‘Messy, but okay, do it.’ And, ‘We could play in the toy room.’ I’m like, ‘Three things. Go for it. You’ve got half an hour, see if you can get everything done.’ And I let them know that this is not about them missing out because Mummy’s pulling out, and needs her own time. It’s just, like, ‘This is the rules. This is my boundary. I don’t want to be bothered in the kitchen, while I’m cooking, for half an hour.’ Sure, I get interrupted. Sure, this is not a perfect thing. But it’s me learning that they don’t need me all the time, and making them self-sufficient is a good thing.
When they were really little, and they were babies on my boob, or whatever, I would often just get to the point where I had to say to Nick, ‘I need to go out, by myself, for a coffee, on the weekend.’ Or, ‘I need to go to the pool, by myself, to have a swim. I need time by myself.’ And, you know what, even if it was half an hour, oh, that just filled me up. And it was me getting kind of cool with just saying, ‘I need this, and I need you to understand that I need it.’ You know, it’s not that fun for a bloke, I’m sure, who’s been at work all week. And then, you know, he loves his kids. Hands-on dad, for sure. He’s not here to answer this, so I can say what I want, really. To just think, ‘Oh, three kids, right!’ But, you know, we’re in a partnership, and if I was able to say what I needed, it also gave him permission to say what he needed. ‘Well, I’d really love to go to the gym,’ or, ‘I’d really love to meet a friend.’ ‘Okay, cool.’ If we’re both able to create some boundaries and say, ‘This is me, I’m checking out. It’s been a massive week, I need this,’ then it gives the other person permission to call that in when they need it too.
So, I just wanted to say, this is a much bigger conversation than this, so maybe I should get an expert on to talk about it. But I just needed to share. You know, I often have people saying, ‘I’ve just got no time to feed my family the foods. I’ve got no time to check out the stuff in the membership,’ in Small Steps to Wholefoods. And I think, well, ‘It is that there is time, for sure. But we need to get kind of better at prioritising us in this. This is my time to check in with the information I want to learn about. You know, Tuesday nights, I’m off, I’m in my room.’ Or whatever it is. Create the time to do the things that are calling you. Create the boundaries so that you can exist within those boundaries, as your most awesome self. And just see how it feels.
Sorry for the rant, told you I’d keep it short. I’d love to know what comes up for you. This has created really interesting conversations within our membership, as well as other topics of feeling free and well, and self-compassion. But today, for you guys on the podcast, boundaries. Let me know what comes up for you. And as always, really appreciate any reviews in iTunes, and ratings, and stuff, and of course below the transcription on the website, you can also leave comments for other to see, and a pretty cool sharing space. So, thank you. I’m just about to put a boundary up and say, ‘Lunch is important to me. I’m going to go make me some.’ See you, guys.